Fitting Revenge

Your Mom and I went shopping over the weekend with the intent of getting her some new pants. Some larger pants. Some pants that fit her. Some pants that she can wear without having to discretely unbutton while sitting down. That was the plan.


Somehow, though, that plan was completely reversed: I wound up getting a pair of pants. But not just any pants, and not necessarily the pair of pants I would have purchased for myself. Your Mom, and the nice lady cleaning out the rest of the dressing room stalls, were offering all sorts of advice.

But baggy khakis are sometimes just more comfortable, Jared!

In an effort to get me out of "baggy" clothes and into a pair of pants that actually show off the fact that I have legs (the Weinstein chicken legs...pray you don't get those) and a tuchas (also pray you don't get a Weinstein version of that too), Holly wound up convincing me to get a pair of Dockers Slim Fit.

Slim? I've lost weight since college, sure, but I don't think of myself as "slim!" And the pants were, well, snug.

Wearing them at work yesterday I wasn't uncomfortable, per se, but I was always aware of my pants. Aware that they were on me, confining movement a little bit, revealing my gams, constricting my waist. Or in other words, "they fit."

How obscene! You can see the contour of that man's legs!

As I sat there wishing I had just worn my old worn-out khakis that are much too big (and way more comfortable), I couldn't help but wonder: was this pair of pants an act of pregnancy revenge?

After all, I am partially to blame for your Mother's current condition and, therefore, partially responsible for HER pants not fitting.


What a fitting revenge, then, that your Mother be responsible for MY pants not being as roomy as they used to!


Could she be that diabolical? Could I be "forced" to walk in her shoes (or fit in her pants) as the pregnancy goes on? Honestly, I'm already very sympathetic...I don't need to have a watermelon strapped to my stomach to help me in that regard.

Never trust a woman with a hatchet--especially a pregnant woman who doesn't like your pants.

Or maybe, this tight pants conspiracy is all a misunderstanding; after all, I did look GOOD in those pants. (There's the Weinstein modesty...which you will probably be born with!)


PS. I had a plum with my lunch today. It was really bizarre to hold that plum in my hand. A plum is way bigger than you think it is; and way bigger than I thought when I visualized it earlier this week! A 2.1 inch diameter makes for a substantial-sized baby! Weird!