Book Learnin' : Ear to Belly

We used to think "What to Expect When You're Expecting" was THE only pregnancy book you needed. In fact, it was really the only viable pregnancy book we had, aside from The Caveman's Guide to Pregnancy, the creepy, hilariously out-of-date, cartoon fetus book Mimi gave us from the 60s ("Freddy the Fetus") and the equally creepy, out-of-date, incredibly graphic photo book from the 70s Bibi gave us.

Not quite the same as Uncle Jeremy's poster.

But, when visiting our friends Iris and David the other day, they opened our eyes to a bunch of really cool books, including one by Jenny McCarthy (who used to be on a poster in your Uncle Jeremy's room...but not for her skills as a pregnancy humorist.) But one of the coolest and most useful books they showed us "Your Pregnancy Week by Week."

Hopefully she's asleep and not passed out due to a severe allergic reaction to daffodils and ragweed.

I bring up these books because, you know kids these days, they'll try anything they see in a book.

In the 13th week chapter of that "Week by Week" book, I saw a picture of a Father placing his ear against his wife's pregnant belly, as if he were on the belly phone. I thought, "well, if that guy can hear his baby's heartbeat with his naked ear, then I should too!"

So I gave it a try, and put my ear directly on your Mom's belly. This was very weird. I heard all sorts of gurgles and squeaks and crunches and sizzles...but no heartbeat yet. I think the book lied to me.

But I'm definitely going to keep trying!

I bet you can hear your Mom's heartbeat...and maybe soon you'll be able to hear us out here in the non-wombed world! So, maybe we should start reading these books aloud so you can hear!

James (or Jane) and the Giant Peach

Here we are: week 13! I would think it's safe to say that we are officially in the Second Trimester now. But "The Bump" says that doesn't happen til NEXT week. But, either way, you, my friend, are roughly the size of a PEACH!

This is big news because, well, Peaches are pretty big! This means that soon enough, your Mother will be entering the "definitely showing a baby bump" phase that has thus-far eluded her. (She's still convinced she's in the "lay off the sweets, lady" phase [aka a root beer belly])


But, speaking about size, things are supposedly progressing quite nicely for you in your Mom's belly. You are quickly reaching human proportions: your head is now only about 1/3 the size of your body. That looks a lot more normal than you did a couple weeks ago when your head was the same size as your body!

See? Having a head 1/3 the size of your body looks almost normal. Though, I feel that champagne flute will be useless to someone with those proportions.

Something else is happening to you this week, and I gotta say, it's gonna make a world of difference for you down the line. According to sources, this week, your intestines are making a strategic move. They're relocating from the umbilical cord (which you don't get to keep) into your tummy! I think you'll really be pleased with this change; your intestines can serve you a lot better inside your tummy than housed in a weird-looking tube hooked up to your belly button. And trust me, as a Weinstein, you'll be using those intestines!

Speaking of the old intestines, your Mom's nausea has almost gone all away! But she still is not hungry for a lot of food. She is, however, hungry for a little bit of food about 76 times a day. If you're an old wife (like Mimi or Nannah (which is the decided-upon name for Nita!)), then you might use this eating-pattern information to predict your gender.

Of course, we already discussed the speed of the heartbeat indicating that you might be a girl (based on nothing but fiction, of course).

But, the other old wives tale that says that women pregnant with boys can't stop eating and never get full; women pregnant with girls eat more like birds, picking only what they want, eating little amounts frequently and having their mothers regurgitating that food into their mouths (or something like that). Well, your mother is quite peckish, and gets full pretty easily. So that would also indicate "girl!" But, my co-worker had two baby boys and was also peckish with her eating habits during pregnancy.

So there you go. Another gender prediction busted! So, as for now we don't know if you're Jane or James (neither are names we're considering). But, we do know that you are one cute peach!

Blanket Brigade

You have a growing army of people making you hand-crafted blankets and quilts.

I'm not sure if these people think it is extra cold in our house or something, but they certainly never voice any thermal discomfort while visiting! Maybe babies just need blankets like peanut butter needs jelly.

So, when you come out, you're going to have bunches of blankets and slews of hand-sewn stuff!

We're not too sure of your design preferences right now; do you have your Mom's womb all feng shui? And we don't even know your favorite colors; in fact, it's probably really dark in there so you most likely haven't seen any colors at all. I'll try holding a flashlight to your Mom's bellybutton today so you can see some colors.

Even though you probably don't have any preference on colors or design, we've got your back anyway.

We talked Mimi out of using the "Every-color" yarn to make her blanket. And the ones she ended up with are waaaay better, and don't even slightly resemble clown vomit!

Bozo May have lost his Lunch.

Nannah Joon is making you an extra cool blanket with a literary theme. But not like "Anna Karenina" literary; so don't worry about not being into the Russian masters quite yet.

And, I don't use the word "cute" too often. (In fact, I hate it when people call my man-mobile "cute.") But, your Aunt Sham has some really cute fabric on it that has a whole bunch of insects playing instruments (no, not like the Beatles, but you're getting pretty clever!). We're not sure what she's making with said fabric, but things are looking promising for you in the blanketing department!

The Bug Band Fabric?

You're going to love what all your loved ones have in store for you. And if you're too young to contemplate a complex emotion like love, at least you'll probably drool all over the blankets!

On a side note, I hope you like socks. Your Mom has been on a huge sock-animal kick lately and has made you a monkey and a giraffe.

Two of your Mom's Creations, Living Life to the Fullest.

Granted, nobody has anything left to wear on their feet, but at least your crib will be well stocked with foot-shaped friends!

With all the talented people in our family, though, I wouldn't be surprised if even more cool DIY projects are looming!

Sympathy...Wait.

We also learned at our Doctor's appointment on Tuesday that your Mom has actually lost a little bit of weight since the last appointment. Now, don't fear. That's totally normal for the first trimester (with all the yakking (which your mom never actually did) and food aversions). The Doctor said that it was highly unlikely that she'd ever weigh in as less than before for the rest of the pregnancy.

But, no your Mom has a card to play in the cravings game. I try my best to steer us away from bad/fattening/greasy/horrible foods. So, yesterday night, your Mom had a craving for Arby's.

Since my body is my temple, I am proud to say that I've never sullied the grounds with a Big Beef and Cheddar. That is, until last night.

Can they legally claim that?

I was trying to talk her out of it: "I'll make you nachos!" "How about fried rice?" "What about a Chicken Pot Pie?" All of those sounded healthier to me than fast food roast beef.

But your Mom wisely played this card: "Aaron, you've got to fatten me up."

We had a coupon. I caved. Your Mom and I both ate...ewwww... Arby's.

It wasn't half bad! But, of course, that also means that half of it WAS bad. Meaning, it tasted great while we were eating it, but the following approximate 10 hours were not so good. Special Sauce, indeed.

Even though your Mom has lost weight since the 8 weeks sonogram, we still think we can see the evolution of the bump. In fact, these pictures are starting to look a little bit like "The Evolution of Man."

Evolution of Man



Evolution of You. Can you see the bump?
Or maybe you are just seeing the Arby's...

Fitting Revenge

Your Mom and I went shopping over the weekend with the intent of getting her some new pants. Some larger pants. Some pants that fit her. Some pants that she can wear without having to discretely unbutton while sitting down. That was the plan.


Somehow, though, that plan was completely reversed: I wound up getting a pair of pants. But not just any pants, and not necessarily the pair of pants I would have purchased for myself. Your Mom, and the nice lady cleaning out the rest of the dressing room stalls, were offering all sorts of advice.

But baggy khakis are sometimes just more comfortable, Jared!

In an effort to get me out of "baggy" clothes and into a pair of pants that actually show off the fact that I have legs (the Weinstein chicken legs...pray you don't get those) and a tuchas (also pray you don't get a Weinstein version of that too), Holly wound up convincing me to get a pair of Dockers Slim Fit.

Slim? I've lost weight since college, sure, but I don't think of myself as "slim!" And the pants were, well, snug.

Wearing them at work yesterday I wasn't uncomfortable, per se, but I was always aware of my pants. Aware that they were on me, confining movement a little bit, revealing my gams, constricting my waist. Or in other words, "they fit."

How obscene! You can see the contour of that man's legs!

As I sat there wishing I had just worn my old worn-out khakis that are much too big (and way more comfortable), I couldn't help but wonder: was this pair of pants an act of pregnancy revenge?

After all, I am partially to blame for your Mother's current condition and, therefore, partially responsible for HER pants not fitting.


What a fitting revenge, then, that your Mother be responsible for MY pants not being as roomy as they used to!


Could she be that diabolical? Could I be "forced" to walk in her shoes (or fit in her pants) as the pregnancy goes on? Honestly, I'm already very sympathetic...I don't need to have a watermelon strapped to my stomach to help me in that regard.

Never trust a woman with a hatchet--especially a pregnant woman who doesn't like your pants.

Or maybe, this tight pants conspiracy is all a misunderstanding; after all, I did look GOOD in those pants. (There's the Weinstein modesty...which you will probably be born with!)


PS. I had a plum with my lunch today. It was really bizarre to hold that plum in my hand. A plum is way bigger than you think it is; and way bigger than I thought when I visualized it earlier this week! A 2.1 inch diameter makes for a substantial-sized baby! Weird!

Heart and Soul

Boo! Your Mother and I misunderstood the Doctor last time. There was no photo shoot today- no sonogram, no pictures for the fridge (or blog (or the fridge's blog)). I guess now's as good of a time as any to find out that your Mother and I are not perfect. But, to be honest, it was Holly's fault; I am perfect. The end.

Moving right along, though, today's Doctor's appointment wasn't a complete bust. We got to hear your heart beat loud and clear again. Dr. Hagood jelled up this device that was about the size of an old school Walkman (I'll show you one of those in a museum one day) and put it to your Mom's belly...and out from the speaker came your heart beat:

Woosh woosh woosh woosh.

An antique.

It was really great to hear the old ticker again! It sounded strong. Dr. Hagood said "that's a good sound." Your mother replied, "I like that sound." It was a really cool moment.

Hearing your heart lifted my heart this morning. Yeah, that's the signature Weinstein sappiness, which you should probably get used to.

The device used to hear your heart: a "Doppler".

The device instantaneously counted how many beats per minute your heart was pumping out and the result is (drum roll please) 160 beats per minute.

This is pretty fast for a baby, but definitely within the normal range. But, there's an old wive's tale that says fast heart beat means the baby is a girl; slower heart beat means the baby is a boy. But, this is not scientifically proven. Not even the National Enquirer thinks that's true. So let's just let the theorists and predicters think what they will of these 160 bpm.

Officially, let's still say there's a good chance you will either be a boy or a girl!

Since you probably don't have a built-in metronome (unless the future turned out to be pretty lame), here's what 160 bpm sounds like.

Listen for the ticker...not the piano...



Actually, your heart was beating a bit faster than that! And it sounded really good.

Now if only we could figure out how to get a piano in there...

You know, my Grandfather was a plum(ber)

It's officially Week 12 and that means you are officially the size of a plum! You're about 2.1 inches across now!

I think it's quite fitting how two weeks ago you were the size of a dried plum, and now you are the size of a plum. It's as if you're being slowly rehydrated. Unlike your grandparents, some of whom seem to be slowly being dehydrated!

Week 12 also, apparently, marks a transition from your "critical development" stage to the "growth and maturation" stage. Kind of like the Beatles after their Shea Stadium concert where they had reached a critical mass in popularity and decided to retire from the public spotlight a little to work on songwriting and maturing. Yeah, I know, you're sick of the Beatles already. Well, get over it, kid! Your mother and I love the Beatles!

But, what does this mean for you, all this "stage shifting?"

It means that almost all of your systems are fully formed. This makes it even cooler that you are a plum this week. Your great grandfather Sam was a plumber. You are now a plum...a plum whose plumbing is now all hooked up.

That's kind of an odd toy to be playing with, right?

On a different note, Operation Buy-Your-Mom-Pants-That-Fit was not a success. She did not see any pants she liked. But, on the plus side (or is that 'plus size'), I did succeed in convincing her to buy a few bigger bras. You see, your Mom is gaining a lot of weight in that area because that will be your food source for a while. But, she's not used to those being so in-the-way; and her back has been hurting! So hopefully new undergarments will give her the support she needs..because, sometimes you need a bit more than emotional support.

I couldn't figure out if week 12 marks the last week of the first trimester or the first week of the second trimester. Granted, I didn't do that much research. But, I will ask Dr. Hagood tomorrow. That's right! We're going to see the doctor again tomorrow! But, more importantly, we're going to see YOU again tomorrow!

So smile big and brush your hair (if you have any), because it's time for your third photo op tomorrow! We're so excited and can't wait to see you and hear your heart beat again!